your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
3pm strippers are depressing
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
