yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
