So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
