I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
