Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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