Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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