Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
