If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
