I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
