I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
