if you like me you must not know who I am
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
