Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
