He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
