i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
me + whiskey = a bad person
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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