My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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