C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
