Jerry, you need to find god
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
