Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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