i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
