I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
dude. I can hear the air.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
