she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
