i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
