Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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