I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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