Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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