I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
