Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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