My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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