then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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