haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
50% drunk capacity currently
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
