I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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