I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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