I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
