Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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