a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
