It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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