God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
