It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
