he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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