i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
