I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
