I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
