judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
