non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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