I hate all girls vehemently.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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