Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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