I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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