you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
BRING THE BAGELS
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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