yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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