They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
