the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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