he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
