the condom got lost in my hair
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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