Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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