My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
