Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
