im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
