u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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