last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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