i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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