Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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