He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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